What I wasn't expecting were the interactions with others. Classes, meals and time on the grounds all involved engagement. I hung back, kept to myself, until I realized what a gift it was to learn the stories of others, to find out what brought them to this place of rejuvenation.
Creative breakthroughs, overcoming addictions, managing chronic disease, making life-altering decisions, grieving, transitioning, winning the battle against cancer and other health "opportunities". I couldn't help but be captivated by their indomitable, courageous and curious spirits, AND their generosity. Their kindness towards me helped me to share my "opportunity" and as the week went on I found that I had made new friends.
And that was only a small thing in comparison to the big things God revealed to me. I was so overwhelmed with joy and relief when He gave me a strong word. A word I had been desperate for Him to speak. I needed to know what I was supposed to do with this... thing. This trial. This unwelcome affliction and all the small calamities surrounding it.
I didn't have to wait long. From the first session, I knew that my healing had begun. And what I would experience would free me from surprising strongholds and open my eyes to new ways of seeing myself, others and God Himself. As Job said, "I lay my hand on my mouth. I have spoken once, and I will not answer; twice, but I will proceed no further." Job 40:4b-5
When the body is cleansing, the mind and the spirit begin to release up the stores of burdens held there. It can be a frightening experience, and yet I was ready to address those unnamed things which were keeping me from a deeper healing and a truly abundant life.
God impressed upon me several things within the first week: That it was time for something new; that in the middle of a less than ideal environment, and even in spite of it, that my healing was forthcoming; and more importantly, a certainty in my heart that there was still work to be done in fulfilling my purpose-that what was happening to me was a shaking that would see grace blossom unto healing and on to the glory of God.
God led me to Hebrews 12, and while painful, He held me fast as I dwelt upon those high thoughts of His love and kingdom purposes in my cowardly life. In my journal I wrote: "All my sense of grounding, all of my foundations have been shaken and thrown down. Truly my rock is Jesus Himself alone, and yet I still try to secure myself in all the shaking to the weak mooring of my own reason and understanding. As if I can think or problem solve my way out of this. These are but my last vain attempts..."
As I searched my heart, prayed, cleansed, engaged I discovered how deeply I had unknowingly hurt myself with years of driving, relentless, demanding, exacting and critical thoughts and beliefs. These could only have come from staking myself on the mount of Sinai, for had I climbed up to mount Zion I would have been prevented from such misery and been secured to joy. My spirit of self-rejection and unforgiveness had subconsciously exacted a devastating price upon my life. I had walled up myself from grace. Through precious truth and raw prayers, renewed thoughts led me to love and forgive that sweet Amanda whom I so long despised by my miserly withdrawal from God's sweet flowing grace. Oh what grief, what relief, what floods of grace!
One day as I walked by the chapel and library, I stopped in to see what I might find. And so I found the gem of The Practice of God by brother Lawrence. As I read his words, my heart began to burn and I rejoiced exceedingly, and trembled too:
"God has infinite treasures to give us, he says. Why should we be satisfied with a brief moment of worship? With such meager devotion, we restrain the flow of God's abundant grace. If God can find a soul filled with a lively faith, He pours His grace into it in a torrent that, having found an open channel, gushes out exuberantly.
We often stop this torrent by our lack of respect for it. However, we mustn't restrain it any longer. Let us go into our hearts, dear friend, breaking down the dike, making way for grace, and making up for lost time! You and I are getting along in years. We may have little time left to live. Death is always near, so be prepared, for we only die once.
Once again, let us examine our inner selves. Time is pressing down on us, and each of us must be responsible for himself. I believe you have prepared yourself properly, so you won't be taken by surprise. I respect you for this; it is, after all, our business to be as open as possible to God's grace...
I have taken the liberty, my dear friend, of telling you all this so you might reexamine your own relationship with God. If by some means (I pray it not so) it has cooled even slightly, perhaps our brother's attitude will rekindle and inflame it. Do you remember our first enthusiasm and love for God? We could both recall it well by this brother's example. he isn't well known, in worldly terms, but with God he is tenderly loved and caressed. Let us pray earnestly for one another to receive the grace for ourselves."
With time pressing down, I no longer desired to restrain the glad torrent. The floodgates burst as I made way for His grace.
To be continued...
To be continued...
